Well, they're back together

Which is good. I think. I know he was hesitant because he was worried she'd break his heart again, and truthfully I'm still worried, but it's not my job to be worried, and I don't think he'd want me to be. He's just having a rough time right now, and honestly I think for now he's safe. His father is really sick. Like in the sense where he's literally dying. And you just can't break up with a guy whose father is dying, so like I said, for now, he's safe. Well, in the relationship sense anyway. Of course, the fact that his father is dying is the thing that's making him "safe" is kinda frightening.
I'm just worried about him in general.
And now there's this extra thing where I'm worried about me, too.
Josh, My Josh, who I've been, ya know, in love with since I was sixteen, has a boyfriend. In the "I'm officially coming out and declaring my romantic involvement with another man" sense of the word boyfriend. I do not have an issue with homosexuality. I really don't. My problem with this is that he's MINE. And I feel horrible. We never even dated. I guess I've just been creating this imaginary (apparently impossible) future in my head for the past six years. Of course our parents really haven't been helpful, since all four of them have made it clear that they would look on said relationship favorably, but now it's just not going to happen. And the thing that really bothers me is that I talked to him two weeks ago and he didn't say anything. I know that's a difficult conversation to have, but to let me just read about it on his website is cruel.
I had a panic attack. I know. Hugely overracted, right? It's not like I chose it, it just happened. And now I guess I just really don't know how I should feel. I still love him, mostly because I can't help it. I know that nothing is ever going to happen. Hell, I knew that before, now I just have a compelling reason why. But I just can't help it.
I'm so confused.